Fast forward to my teenage years and birthdays started feeling a bit different. It wasn’t  so much about that special day anymore, it was about the number and what it allowed me to do. Each year added time to my curfew, driving privileges, the right to vote, and a lot more freedom. Then came my 20s. I felt an urgency to get everything done. I worked through the checklist handed down to me from my culture and society of all the things a person should do. I checked off finishing college, getting the ‘right’ career, earning good money and getting engaged. By the time I was in my 30s the goals were to work further down the checklist: be in good health, get the right job, meet the right man, have the right number of children,  live in the right house and establish the right relationships. I imagined that by the time I was 40 I would have checked everything off and I could relax and live the rest of my years out in the castles I built in the earlier decades. 

I am now in my 40s and, I have to say, everything I thought as a child and young adult about how my 40s would be is not so. It is not ‘downhill from here’, how could it be? I feel like I just got the hang of life. I must admit that a part of me is dreading the appearing wrinkles and the greying hair; but the bigger part of me is actually looking forward with excitement and anticipation. I am pleased to be in the mystical and magical 40s. 

Another realization as I entered my 40s is that my soul doesn’t sit silent and dormant anymore. It appears as a voice that has always been there, but was quietened by the “checklist” of life. Now the voice is loud and clear. I have started to hear it in the most random of places. It might be at a coffee morning where it starts to speak and tell me to get up and go live out my life’s purpose. I hear it  during a long work day, when it reminds me that what really matters to me is my family and I haven’t given any time or effort to those relationships recently. 

Questions such as  ‘whose life have I been living? Whose values have directed my decisions?” are part of my days, in waiting rooms as I wait for my appointments or in grocery stores in the cereal aisle. This voice is forcing me to take a good, hard look at my life and my decisions. Every decision is being stress tested to see if it is consistent with who I am and with the life I want to live. It’s a scary process to have to assess all the decisions I have made up to this point, but it is also a beautiful process. I know this voice will guide me, and engaging with it is the only way home to my true self. 

So as I entered my 40s, I made a commitment to set aside time to quieten my mind and really listen to myself. I am prepared to ask myself the tough questions. And I am also prepared to summon the courage to make the difficult decisions and to start life all over again. 

I guess if I could go back and speak to my younger self,  I would tell her that 40 isn’t the end of any line and it is no time to be hitting the cruise control. 40 is actually where the line begins and creation beckons. I think Carl Jung was right when he said life begins at 35 and that the most magical years of our lives are between 35 and 70.  I look forward to aging. Actually, I can’t wait. 

The post A new look at getting older appeared first on The Source Family Magazine.

Over the years, I have noticed that an increasing number of people are reporting that they are struggling with procrastination. Delaying tasks and not doing what we planned to do  not only impacts our unbudging to-do list, but also our self-esteem, and self-worth. We stop trusting ourselves and lose faith in our ability to show up for ourselves.  

I believe what most people are calling procrastination is actually a problem with distraction or, even worse, an addiction to dopamine. We live in a new age, with weapons of mass distraction all around us in the form of dopamine-releasing apps literally at our fingertips. 

What does dopamine have to do with it?

Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that is associated with pleasure—you know the feel good relaxed feeling you feel when you buy something new, or eat chocolate cake, or check your Instagram—that’s dopamine and it has been found to be a major component in addictions, but also in procrastination, motivation, and impulsivity. And because we live in a world that is infused with dopamine-inducing activities, media messages of ‘do what makes you happy,’ and with hedonistic messages about buying the latest gadget or newest car, we are becoming worse at tolerating frustration, staying the course when we feel disengaged or bored. 

When we work at our desks or try to study for that exam and the slightest amount of boredom creeps in, our brain starts to crave the dopamine release. Think back to the last conversation you had with your child or with a colleague – in the middle of their conversation, did you look over at your phone? Did you wonder who posted something on Instagram? That was your brain craving dopamine. 

Chamath Palihapitiya, former Vice President of User Growth at Facebook revealed his guilt publicly about doing his part in creating platforms that have us all hooked on dopamine, “I feel a tremendous amount of guilt… The short-term, dopamine-driven feedback loops that we have created are destroying how society works.”  The reality is that platforms like Facebook, Snapchat, TikTok and Instagram leverage the very same neural circuitry used by other addictive activities to increase “engagement” aka addiction. And real life, reading novels, doing your work projects, engaging in long conversations- none of these give you that constant stream of dopamine; they all require you to withstand bouts of boredom and tolerate frustration. 

Is it procrastination, distraction, or dopamine?

Take a look at your coming week’s schedule and make a commitment to yourself to complete some challenging tasks, and do consider your time and energy when you time-box them into your schedule. For example: I will work on this project at 2pm-4pm  on Monday. I will call my client on Tuesday at 3pm. Make the tasks consistent with your personal and professional goals. 

Then evaluate at the end of each day whether you completed those assigned tasks—and if not, ask yourself the following questions: 

What did I feel when I was supposed to start on the assigned task? (i.e. anxious? Tired? Bored? Unmotivated?)

What did I do instead of starting (i.e. sleep, watch Netflix, call a friend, scroll through social media, work on a different project?)

How long did I go off track for? 

Knowing the answer to these questions will help you understand what could be keeping you from achieving your goals. If it is indeed dopamine that you were seeking, then consider limiting your time on social media apps and streaming YouTube or Netflix. You can use it as a reward for finishing your tasks, but make sure you put a time limit to when you will get off your device. If you are procrastinating, then it might be worth your while to understand why you keep postponing starting or completing the task. Chances are not knowing how to manage your time and/or your emotions has a lot to do with it. 

We are all too quick to call ourselves procrastinators because we have not really considered the whole realm of possibilities of what could be keeping us from achieving our goals. However, until we figure out the real problem underlying our lack of discipline we will never be able to truly tackle the issue in a significant way. Take the time to understand your social media habits, as well as your triggers when you get distracted or procrastinate. 

The post Is It Procrastination, Distraction, or Addiction? appeared first on The Source Family Magazine.

Social media, and seeing other people live lives full of glitz and the next best thing does not help their mood or their financial situation. However, if your lifestyle is bigger than your budget, your spending habits can become a serious problem – one that has ended many relationships and ruined many lives. So here are some tips to manage overspending:

Take responsibility. There are many things out of our control, but how you spend your money is not one of them. Admitting that you are experiencing financial difficulties or instability will be the first step towards gaining financial security. 

Don’t lose track. You can’t control what you can’t measure. As long as you’re not tracking your expenses, you’re giving yourself the opportunity to be reckless with money. Once you start taking note of every dirham you spend, you shine a spotlight on your finances. If they’re in bad shape that means you are highlighting your weaknesses – and that’s just the jolt you may need to steer you in the right direction towards living within your means.

Hold yourself accountable. Hold yourself accountable for your spending by telling family and friends that you are trying to spend less, and make a rule with your accountability partner that you will not spend more than say Dhs 500 without a discussion.

Avoid malls when experiencing low mood. Spending can release dopamine, the pleasure neurochemical, so you might be tempted to venture into a mall for retail therapy especially when you are stressed, anxious, or experiencing low mood. It would be important to be aware of your mood before you walk into the mall and armed with your ‘coping card’ or a note on your phone with questions you can consider before purchasing. Some questions to consider before buying something include: Do I want this or do I need this? Is this within my budget? Why am I buying this? Is this absolutely necessary to buy? Can this wait for me to purchase at a later time? Can I first check my closet if I have something similar before buying?

Stick to a list and resist temptation. Before going shopping, list down everything you need – that’s needed, not wanted – and be disciplined enough to follow the rule. If it’s not on the list, don’t buy it. If you’re only buying a couple of items, don’t take a trolley or you may feel inclined to fill it. And don’t make the mistake of “just trying” on that dress or those shoes if you had not intended on buying it. 

Apply a 72 hour rule. When you lack self-control you can fall victim to making unplanned purchases on a whim. After the instant gratification of impulsive spending, come debt, worry and ultimately more spending. To avoid this trap, stick to the 72-hour rule. This means, you should think for a few days before purchasing something. You will then realize the immediate temptation is the most difficult to resist, but by the time you get home, very few things will remain lingering in your mind as items to purchase. 

Make small deposits into your savings. We often think about saving half of our paycheck or big sums of money. Instead try saving a small amount every week. You can also consider having a jar where you drop in everything that is Dhs 10 or under at the end of the day. Before you know it you will see that you are quite capable of saving. 

Get professional help. Overspending can be as difficult to stop as any other compulsion or addiction, so don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you’re using spending as an emotional regulation coping tool – to feel better or to aggrandize yourself – admit that you have a problem. Spending can be a symptom of low self-esteem, anxiety, depression or loneliness. It can also be used to fill an emotional void. If you seek help to address these underlying issues and feelings, you can start to curb your spending. You may need to speak to a financial advisor and a mental health professional.

Money is something that can make or break everything from your mood and stress levels to your relationships and beyond. While not always easy to get quickly under control, setting clear goals and making promises to yourself on the above tactics is the best way to start regaining control of your finances and, thus, your wellbeing. 

Dr Saliha Afridi, Clinical Psychologist and  Managing Director of The Lighthouse Arabia

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A common trait for leaders is their strong ambition and passion for what they do, which inevitably pushes them up the career ladder to the top rung. As top-performers, MDs, GMs, and C-suite executives may think they have no place left to go once they reach this level, however it is important to realize there is more than one way to grow. The ceiling we hit is the one we make for ourselves, not only in our careers but also in life. There is a momentous amount of opportunity to continue on a growth journey and this doesn’t have to only be defined through job title or status.

Vocation comes from the Latin word ‘vocatus’ which means ‘calling’. If we look at our careers and our vocations as callings, then perhaps we would approach them from a different place within us. So much of our day is spent at work that if that work is not engaging and meaningful, then you spend most of your time in service of money, and ‘putting food on the table’. When your career is your calling, you spend your days working not just your mind, but your heart and soul.

Your purpose is linked to activity that is outside of you and comes from a deeper part of us—it speaks to our spirit. I have spoken to many executives who went up the corporate ladder and were driven by money, esteem, or outwardly defined success, and once they got to the top, they realized that they had been operating from the outside in, rather than the inside out. They realized money and worldly success didn’t mean much if it was not linked to their calling or if they were not in service of others. After the basic human needs are met, money will not buy happiness. Only a life of meaning and purpose will result in contentment and authentic happiness.

According to positive psychology, a life of authentic happiness must include three ingredients:

1. Pleasure 

Do things that give you moments of joy. This can include travel, shopping, eating, hobbies – hedonistic pleasures. 

2. Engagement

Do things that exercise your character strengths most of the day, every day. For example, for those who have the strength of curiosity, they would perhaps enjoy a profession as a researcher, those with strengths of wisdom/knowledge, a student or a seeker, or someone who has art and creativity, a career as a writer or entrepreneur. 

3. Meaning/purpose

Identify your character strengths and use it in service of the greater good. It must be in service to something bigger than you and your immediate family. If people do not have meaning and purpose, they typically go from one moment of pleasure to another and feel a gnawing sense of meaninglessness. This can lead to depression, anxiety, and/or addictions as a way of self-medicating the sadness that is experienced as a result of feeling like their life has no meaning.

The way we live our purpose may change over time but the underlying value or character strength usually is the same. Find pleasure, engage with others and actively seek out your purpose, and once you do, share it openly and wholeheartedly.  The beauty of life comes with the guarantee it is ever-changing and as human beings, our access for growth is endless.

https://www.lighthousearabia.com/

The post CEO Coaching Developing your Calling into a Career appeared first on The Source Family Magazine.

Failure. Such a terrifying word that our inner critics tend to use so frequently. It is real, and it hurts. Overcoming the fear of failure in a way that you don’t let it hold you back is a seemingly impossible feat. Many feel deeply cut by failure, but your attitude upon failing will separate those who go on to achieve success and those who give up on their goals. 

Every top CEO I’ve worked with has had to deal with failure on their journey to the top. Some have dropped out of school, been rejected by prospective employers, or even been fired, but they never gave up. In order to build resilience you must transform failure into success. In a study recently published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, researchers found that success in the face of failure comes from focusing on what you hope to achieve rather than trying not to fail. While it’s tempting to try and avoid failure, people who do this fail far more often than those who optimistically focus on their goals.

The people who make history see failure as a mere stepping stone to success. Thomas Edison is a great example, as it took him one thousand tries to develop the light bulb. When someone asked him how it felt to fail one thousand times, he said, “I didn’t fail one thousand times. The light bulb was an invention with one thousand steps.” 

So, taking a page out of Edison’s book, how do we focus less on our fear of failing and more on our end goal? Here are seven tips to bring with you into the new year before you set your resolutions and refocus on your goals. 

Reframe your failure 

Your reality is shaped by your language— instead of calling it failure, try using the words ‘experience’ or ‘attempts.’  Or to paraphrase Thomas Edison, the inventor of the light bulb, “I didn’t fail 1000 times, I just found 1000 ways it didn’t work.” 

 Have a curious mindset towards failure

If you approach life in the stance of curiosity, you are much more likely to move forward when you have ‘failed.’ Ask yourself what you learned through the process of attempting and ‘failing’? What would you do differently? How has it made you better? What did it teach you about the world or people? Wisdom is life experiences that have been processed and integrated. 

Remind yourself of your courage 

One difficult aspect of failure is thinking that everyone is now referring to you as a failure. Remind yourself that it is much easier to point out people’s faults and laugh at them from the stands rather than being the ‘man in the arena.’ You had the courage to step out of your comfort zone, took a chance and worked hard towards your goals — that is more than what most people can say. And it is a fact, when people on their deathbed were asked what was one of their biggest regrets, the number 1 regret was ‘I wished I had been true to myself and not cared so much about what people thought of me.”

Stop seeing failure as an end point

Shift your thinking from seeing each failure as a confirmation that you can’t succeed and that if you fail, it’s game over. Instead, work on accepting that failure is simply part of the process. 

Zoom out and compartmentalize

One of the biggest symptoms of suffering from failure is that you are thrown off track. Instead of drowning in your emotions, get some perspective. Zoom out and compartmentalize the experience. Remind yourself of all that you have historically won and gained in your life so that you are not paralyzed by lost money, time and effort. Accept the failure and move past it as an isolated incident.

Own your mistakes

It is a human instinct to self-defend and preserve, and therefore when the proverbial wagon starts rolling downhill, people are quick to point fingers. Successful people own their mistakes. Without accepting your errors, you aren’t able to learn from them – the failure has then become meaningless. The goal is that you don’t make the same mistake twice.

Try again

Your fear of failure should be lesser in weight than your drive for fulfillment and accomplishment. Learn to operate outside of your comfort zone and let your dreams motivate you as you take a bold step guided by your goals. The research indicates that people who are seen as lucky keep their hearts and eyes open to opportunities even when they have failed and they see ‘failure’ as part of the process as they move towards success.

It is natural to fail. Good, even. And when you experience failure, stay calm, analyze the cause, devise a plan of action and keep going. This past year has been full of failures across the board, both big and small. From the global pandemic affecting businesses across the globe, to the period of quarantine affecting people’s relationships and emotions, 2020 has offered up a host of seemingly unavoidable fails. With 2021, we must look to the importance of new beginnings and reasserting your existing goals, setting new ones you’d like to work towards, and how to face the year behind us while looking forward to the future with a glimpse of hope, strength and perseverance. 

As a clinical psychologist for the past 13 years, Dr Saliha Afridi has spent 12 years working in the UAE and founded The Lighthouse Arabia in 2011, a community mental health and wellness clinic providing quality psychological and psychiatric care to children, adults, couples and families. Dr Afridi has worked with prominent companies and ministries such as The Executive Council, The National Program for Happiness and Well-being from the Happiness Ministry, many professional service firms and fortune 100 companies in her bid to dissolve mental health stigma and be at the forefront of the mental health movement within the UAE and the region. 

The post New Year – New Hope appeared first on The Source Family Magazine.

Since childhood, I was fascinated by one particular gadget in our family kitchen – the humble pressure cooker. Perhaps it was not so humble afterall, given my continuing fascination with two of its aspects, specifically:

the industrial-like turn-lock to indicate the lid was on securely

the steam release valve that squealed when it required adjustment

Whenever Mum got it out of the cupboard to cook up our monthly treat of corned beef, I knew I felt something was different yet could never understand exactly what it was. My life clearly had no immediate need for the lessons that a pressure cooker presented back then. Perhaps, just perhaps my childhood fascination was a prelude for coping in life and business, 2020’s style?

The pressure cooker’s industrial-like turn-lock represents proactive choice you can take

Uncertainty destabilizes those who thrive on the known and that happens to be the majority of the human race. The known is controllable, allowing us to navigate still waters with ease. Ripples of doubt have no reason to emerge, as the waves around us are only created by ourselves, for reasons known to ourselves, at a time that works for ourselves.

Unpredictability brings waves our way when not prepared for them, quickly converting into riptides in our worlds. The sense of loss from a redundancy, a legal change that deems a skill outdated or even a societal shift that indicates your inclusion is now dubious forges crevasses between confidence and competence.

Decisions that demand to be taken rock the soul of our being, challenging us to sometimes compromise the very essence of our beings. Will you buck the new society norm of vaccination going against your own need for full understanding and transparency? Will you stop speaking your truth for fear of losing some friendships?  Will you take the risk to walk the path alone knowing that uncertainty has nothing but unpredictable outcomes? What will you do before it is mandated?

Protection is paramount during times of uncertainty. Deciding how far to turn that security lock on the pressure cooker was always a choice for my mother in the kitchen.

So how are you protecting yourself from possible pent-up stress in today’s changing world? 

Some I see are able and willing to go with the flow, recognizing things are happening ‘just as meant to be’, aligned to their philosophical or idealistic approach to life.

Some are locking themselves away in a safe cocoon, and hoping to ‘wake up’ when it’s all over

Others fit somewhere along the continuum between both, doing what’s right for themselves

Either way, stay in touch with your ability to proactively twist and turn that pressure cooker’s lid to engage an appropriate level of safety and security required; afterall only you truly know the depth and reach of your own reality.

The pressure cooker’s release valve represents opportunity for reactive choice

Unpredictability shows up unexpectedly, emerging in new forms, with new timings demonstrating differing intensity levels. True to its meaning, unpredictability is as random as its name suggests.

Physical immunity can be challenged when it meets an unexpected new strain of virus. Cognitive capability will be questioned when silent decay is unexpectedly observed. Emotional strength can be deflated when trauma forces its way into your world. Natural environments can be devastated with one large wave fueled from the ocean floor or one shockwave from the earth’s core when humanity is sleeping. These unpredictable events cannot be stopped and perhaps some may argue should not be stopped, given their ‘evolutionary agent’ role. Yet, when experiencing these, are you in touch with your built-in alert mechanisms that aim to protect you from reactionary overload.

Nurturance is paramount in times of unpredictability, yet how are you staying in touch with your alert mechanisms, to provide what your ‘alert valve’ deems necessary? Are your receptors unobstructed and positioned for maximum alert? Only then can you choose to ‘up the ante’ on what is required, just as a pressure cooker’s whistling valve insists on being adjusted for maximized steam release at times of possible crises. 

What does this mean for you?

Working in a culture which is misaligned to your values causes increasing pressure, just as do living with personal loss, working with a lack of credibility, sinking in self-doubt, struggling to perform or pivot, surviving a lack of team support, scrambling with a decreasing relevance of skills, being paralyzed through a fear of the unknown among others. 

Growth can be a resulting bi-product of pressure on systems. Mechanical systems show wear and tear and ‘insist’ on upgrades to cope with pressure from increased demand and looming competition. Effective human ‘systems’ or teams recognize something is trying to evolve through the pressure and move into a space of exploration and discovery. Yet: 

without conditions that facilitate proactivity in the face of change and without heightened awareness which detects possibility of irrelevance and extinction that will simply not happen.

On the other hand stagnation and decay can also be a resulting bi-product of pressure.

How can you ensure that increasing pressure can and will make your life’s or business’s corned beef positively impact in the face of adversity, smelling and tasting far beyond the previous portion?  

Debbie Nicol, MD of Dubai-based ‘business en motion’ moves businesses and leaders ahead through change. Specializing in leadership and change, Debbie is a Certified Master Facilitator of The Leadership Challenge leadership methodology, facilitating leadership to be everyone’s business.

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